The Control Game: Your Most Important Relationship is With Yourself

I used to work on an online therapy site and was billed as "The Control Specialist", and rather than the delicious possibility that I can teach you how to control the people around you, the traffic ahead of you (or indeed the universe and wouldn't that be a kick), the work I do as a wellbeing specialist is about how to live with acceptance and even joy, with the reality that outside of yourself... you don't control jack.

Sad, isn't it?  At times we imagine we have more control than we do.  At times it even feels as though we have a great deal of control.  It’s a myth.  A chimera.  An illusion.  Because the only true control you have, starts and ends with yourself.  The boundaries are within your body and mind.  And frankly, that seems tough enough. Indeed, just getting a handle on ourselves is a full time job.  A life time job.  But then again, its our only true job.  No matter what our profession is.

Now this might sound all airy fairy.  Either you imagine some flower-wielding hippy chanting happy thoughts, or some slick suited NLP guru telling you that you can will yourself to be whatever you want.  Both of those strands, though stereotypically introduced here, have validity of course.  Positive thinking can have a great deal of power, it can elevate our mood and lower blood pressure. However denial can be a dangerous and murky body of water,  with a vicious undertow.  Chanting happily while your car gets repossessed isn't necessarily what you are after.  Nor is trying to convince yourself that what has hurt you hasn't really had an impact by envisioning an earlier time when you felt strong.  Connecting with your strength is important, though trying to cover up wounds usually ends up with hospital visits, literally or metaphorically.

So is there another way?  Most of us are so caught up in how what other people are doing impacts us.  We can't concentrate because of what this one is doing.  We can't feel happy because of what that one is doing.  We can't eat healthily because we are surrounded by these people.  We don't have a shot at creating the dream we want because this one doesn't seem to approve.  At every turn we seem to be completely stopped by other people and so, being intelligent individuals, we think the only thing left, the obvious choice, is to try to control them.  If I can make this guy do what I want then I will be happy.  If I can make this child act the way I want, then I will be happy.  If I can twist myself into a pretzel so this person approves of me then I can be happy.  And when that stops working I will try to bully them into it.  Or guilt them into it.  Or whatever I have to do to fall into line with what I want so I will be happy.

Oh dear...

We aren't honest about this of course.  When we see it written in black and white in this way, its kind of, well, embarrassing, isn't it?  But don't worry.  We all work this way.  It’s human.  We are by design, selfishly motivated.  Yes, I said it.  Human beings are selfishly motivated.  And guess what else?  There is nothing wrong with it.  Part of this is biological — when one of us dies, we don't all die.  So frankly, our individual survival, our wellbeing, is pretty important to us.  And no matter who loves or approves of us, we all die, and that is an individual journey.  So some selfishness is built right in. And then there is the fact that what is true for you, isn't necessarily true for the next guy. You like cheese, the woman next to you is allergic, the man next to her gags at the thought of the stuff. We don't have identical experiences, so why oh why would we ever think that another person is the key to understanding ourselves or making us happy?

When you think of it like that, it sounds crazy doesn't it?

I'm going to invite you to consider something.  Just for a moment, I'd like you to forget all you've heard about the evils of selfishness.  Because I am not talking about the kind of selfishness that you know.  I'm talking about the fact that NO ONE is on the planet to make you happy.  Except you.  It’s not your partner's job to make you happy.  It’s not your children's job to make you happy.  It’s not your employer or employee's job to make you happy. 

And as long as your happiness is conditional, dependent on others, you, my friend — respectfully — are screwed.

Now.  I can hear you saying, "Wait a minute, Audrey! Wait just one cotton pickin' minute!" (you didn't realise you said, 'cotton pickin' did you?).  " My wife is cheating on me.  My friend calls me names.  My child rolls her eyes. Are you telling me I don't have the right to be angry about these things?  Or upset?  Don't I have the right to not want these things in my life?"

Of course you do.  You certainly do.  You don't have to put up with the cheating wife or the name-calling friend, or the eye-rolling or whatever is in your life that you aren't enjoying.  You are allowed your preferences in life, after all, its your life.  However, if you look at your experience, what have you learned about trying to control a partner's cheating ways?  Or indeed a friend's or child's or anyone's behaviour.  People change if and when they are able to and want to.  People alter their behaviour when it makes sense in THEIR own life, for them to do so. 

That’s why a man who has sworn up and down about not getting married to all of his very lovely ex girlfriends, who hung around for years each hoping they could change him, are flummoxed and angry, when said man meets equally lovely new girlfriend and is engaged in 6 months.  When it made sense for HIM, it made sense for HIM.  You could never make it make sense.  Said new girlfriend and soon to be wife really doesn't have a magical vajayjay.  She didn't cast a voodoo control spell.  No control necessary.  It came from him.  And you know what? Maybe she does have a magical vajayjay, but he still made the decision.

So let us get back to you. True control, true hardass, hard-won, master of the universe control, lies in being aware of what you yourself are feeling and making small adjustments step by step to make yourself feel better.  Training yourself into recognising and believing that loving yourself unconditionally is the real unconditional love you've been looking for. And what does that look like?  Unconditional love of yourself looks like you being honest with yourself about how you have been living and what you have prioritised.  And loving yourself anyway.  Realising that you were doing what felt best in the moment, even if it didn't feel all that good. 

Your compass was outside yourself - and that never feels comfortable.  You might be acknowledging that at times in your life you wanted not to be alone more than you wanted to truly feel good.  It might be acknowledging that your ability to feel good was so conditional that your child being angry at you was so unbearable, you gave into them and then resented them for it, or didn't give in, and suffered for it.  Or that the friend that treated you badly stayed on your friend list because it felt too exposing to say, "enough."

Why do we want control anyway?  Because we want to feel powerful.  We don't want to be victims.  We don't want to be helpless.  We don't want to feel pain.  We don't want to be vulnerable. 

Life breeds pain.  Living has pain in it.  You can't have a body and not have pain.  Physical pain is the body's way of saying - "Whoa, there Nelly, this is too much."  Emotional pain is your way of knowing that some part of you has moved out of alignment. 

That’s not bad, it’s there to keep you moving toward alignment.  How would you know what wasn't true to you if it didn't feel "off"? So that pain is important communication.  It may be saying, "the way you are thinking about this is painful", or it may be, "being with this person isn't right".  Our job is to take the pain and translate.  Not to feel bad because we have it.  Not to yell at ourselves because we feel it.  Not to imagine that we've done something wrong and that is why we have it. Pain is natural.  It’s like the cat eye road markings.  You drive over one of them and think, oh, I need to move a bit over here, and away from here.  And if you fall asleep, running over those cat eyes and having that uncomfortable feeling of having a dodged a bullet hopefully wakes you up.

When you listen to yourself and keep listening, the communication gets clearer and clearer and you no longer have the need to control the universe because you know which direction to move to keep yourself feeling good, feeling happy. The only real control that makes you happy is the control on what you put your attention on.  That is what we automatically do when we have a baby, start a new job, or a new relationship.  We put our attention on it.  We know that attending to something is a loving thing to do.  Focused compassionate attention is how we love people.  So what about us?  Real focus and attention to the way we feel goes far beyond getting a massage and occasionally curling up with a fuzzy blanket. So in the moment that our child rolls her eyes, or you find out that your girlfriend is sleeping with your sister, or you are going to have work on a project with that jerk from that department, it becomes another opportunity to tune in to your own alignment.  What better time is there than in a crisis, for you to be anchored in yourself, and in the calmest, deepest part of you?  You can't control others. Think of all the energy you will have when you simply, cut. it. out.  

Why do you really get upset when those things happen?  If you dig deep enough, get to the lowest common denominator, you believe that it says something about you.  The cheating woman betrayed you, lied to you, made you look stupid, made you look less desirable, = I am an idiot and chicks don't dig me = I am not good enough.  Or he lied to me and I wasn't happy anyway, I should have broken up with him earlier = I am stupid = I can't trust myself = I am not good enough.  No wonder you are so miserable.  When someone else, someone totally outside of you, acts in a particular way, that means you are crap.  Wow.  No wonder you want to control everyone around you...